Thursday, January 12, 2006

 

Pick on someone your own size

This post isn't going to be too eloquent 'cause I've been drinking too much.....I'm much stupidier today....

Well I had lunch with a old friend the other day, well he's not so much my friend but a friend of a friend. He's a nice enough guy but always seems to get himself into trouble. I guess he thinks he's a lot tougher than he really is. Example, he went drinking at a club with his usual group of cronies. A group of big guys starting hitting on a female friend and he took objection to that. (Sounds pretty honourable but read on....) So he approaches the big dude and being quite drunk he tells big dude to kindly leave the female alone. (More accurately, he probably told big dude to F*ck off). Big dude did not enjoy being spoken to in that tone of voice thusly began introducing his fist to my buddy's face. Eventually big dude picks up my buddy (who is about 5'9" and 120 lbs) and throws him down a flight of stairs where he breaks his hip.

First thing that came to my mind is "Don't old people break hips? Dang I must be getting old..."

So buddy is now bed-ridden for 3 months (cause he can't walk), has to move out of his new apartment, move back in with his ex-girlfriend and her mom cause no one else wants to take care of him and cause the bathroom is next door to the bed instead of down the hall. (Remember, he has to crawl everywhere.) He only just got rid of his limp....

That's why I'm a lover, not a hater....

Side story about this guy: I went to a club with a whole bunch of friends and buddy brings his new 'girlfriend'. Well, she's not quite his girlfriend yet but they're dating...whatever, back to the story....So we're at bar drinking and buddy decides to talk to two of my female friends. Now to give you a little history, buddy is a bit 'touchy-feely' when he talks to girls, so he's got his hand touching a shoulder or butt or something and his 'girlfriend' is kinda getting jealous. Firstly, he's left her alone, secondly he's touching another girl, and thirdly he's brushing her off. How is he brushing her off you ask? Well she asked buddy to go dance 3 times and each time he kinda waves her off and says 'later'. Well after the 3rd time she's had enough and she throws her drink at him. It hits him and drenches his face and shirt and the glass shatters on the ground. My two female friends start killing themselves laughing, they aren't laughing at the girl but laughing at buddy but 'girlfriend' takes it the wrong way (c'mon, she's a bit immature, she's only 21!) so she heads to the dance floor and starts dancing with the first guy she sees. So buddy finishes wiping the drink from his face and lo and behold 'girlfriend' brings the dancing partner back to the table. (Now this is the funny part) She turns to buddy and says "Isn't this guy hot?"

hahaha, now if I was a girl and I was like 12 years old, this would be acceptable behavior but c'mon! hahaha. I guess that's what happens when you date girls almost 10 years younger than you.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

 

Single at 30....

I had an interesting conversation on the weekend, well it wasn't much of a discussion, it was more me trying to convince people that my opinion is correct, which it usually is.....hahahaha

A group of people had gathered for a friend's 30th birthday party. Now turning 30 is a big deal, at least to me it's a big deal. It signals many things, the end of your youth, the beginning of your 'real' adult life, the onset of kids, mortgage payments and other lame things. That was the bad side, but on the other hand if you're a guy and single, turning 30 is probably the best thing that can happen to you....

Growing up in high school I was medicore at best with the ladies. I couldn't score tail even if I paid for it. (Don't laugh, if you're an asian guy and went to high school in north america you were in exactly the same position. Don't lie, I know it's true!) Even in my college years, I had some minor success here and there but nothing that I would ever call 'great'. The main problem I can attribute to this is, there were way more single guys then single girls. The girls I knew could be grouped into 3 (maybe 4) categories:

1) Already in a long term relationship

2) Just got out of a long term relationship and doesn't want to date right now

3) Not interested in dating

4) Now this girl was the most interesting but also very very elusive. This girl would be the 'slut'. She was rumoured to have been around but I looked high and low and couldn't find anyone to fit into this category. Since I didn't have any experience with this group, I doubt they even really existed back in my day. (hahaha)

Now if you were I, and you looked at your options (group 4 not being available), you will see why when you're under 30 there isn't much you can do. Single and lonely was the life to lead. But if you're a single guy and over 30....well sir, you are on easy street my friend. You have unintentionally hit the jackpot and you didn't even need to buy a ticket. Once you pass the 30 year old mark, the tables get turned. Now there are way more single girls than single guys. Let me explain....

If you were lucky enough (or good looking enough, or rich enough) to get a girlfriend before you turned 30 you would not let her go. You know you had no other chance at anything better. Sure, there maybe better looking or skinnier or funnier girlfriends but hey, if your current girlfriend can put up with all your stupid idiotic traits long enough to call you her boyfriend, you had it 100x better than a single guy. Therefore slowly but surely all the single guys would latch onto one girl and hold on for dear life and by the time they became 30, they've invested so much time in that one girl there was no point in switching back to singledom. Thus slowly the pool of guys got dried up and the girls that had it so good suddenly realized, hey where did all the guys go?

Now, let me describe (in general) the average 30 year old female. Now I maybe generalizing a bit (well probably quite a bit, but I'm not known to be too bright). I'd like to categorize the 4 kinds of females that are over 30.

1) Married
2) Pregnant
3) Married and Pregnant
4) Desperate

(Engaged counts as married)

Now single females don't want the dubious distinction of being 'desperate' so if you are not part of the first 3 groups, and didn't want to be known as being in group 4, you would probably put yourself in group #5, group #5 being 'active manhunt' mode. (which to me doesn't really exist cause group 5 is the same as group 4....)

Now this is the average single 30 year old guy:

1) Has job. (If you're lucky, you have a good job that pays money, hopefully lots of money.)
2) Has own place. (You might not own this place but at least you're not sleeping in same room as your kid brother)
3) Has vehicle. (This is pretty much obvious, what guy doesn't have a car?)
4) Has no curfew. (This is directly related to #2)
5) Has nothing to lose. (You can pretty much do whatever you want without worrying about the consequences cause there are no consequences when you're single and 30. Who's gonna be mad if you come home at 5 in the morning, barf on the kitchen floor and pass out with one shoe on. There are no witnesses, thus no one to yell at you.)

To a single woman, from my point of view, these traits are spectacular because..

1) They are single

2) They are single

3) They are single

4) They are single

A single 30 year old female will try to grab onto whatever they can so they can get into group 1, 2 or 3 and out of group '5'. (They may think they are in group 5 but c'mon, it's really group 4.) I still haven't quite nailed down the science of exactly why they want to be in the first 3 groups but I think it's a competition thing...Therefore most girls don't want to be in group 4 since all their friends are in the first 3 groups. (The girls that want to stay in group 4 are lots of fun to party with cause instead of being solely in group 4 they belong to a sub-group of what I like to dub 'sluts'!!!)

Now it's all gold for the single guy. No more on your knees begging for a date, buddy you're the king. Who cares if you're snaggle-toothed, if the girl is over 30, she'll over look that. Got a club foot? No matter. After a girl turns 30, it's like a 'discrimination' switch gets turned off and the 'desperate' switch is flicked on. I know I may bump into alot of opposition with my opinion but look around. How many single female friends over 30 do you have? And for the girls that fall into that group, how many always complain "There are never any good single guys out there"? The first single guy they bump into will already have a running start cause you know she's looking for a mate...if they can find him. So all I can say is;

Good luck single guy, you're gonna have the time of your life, if you are really out there.....


Sunday, January 08, 2006

 

Make the bad man stop....

I'm getting to the age where New Year's Eve is no big deal anymore, it just reminds me that I'm almost another year older and another year closer to being old. *sigh*

New Year's used to be about getting dolled up, $100 dollar cover charges, $80 dollar meals and $20 dollar drinks. I used to enjoy going to the hottest New Year's spot to pay for overpriced shrimp cocktail and badly poured martinis...but now that I'm older and poorer, a house party with sufficent booze and medicinal products is a good time. (Actually anything with sufficent booze is a good time. You don't need a good time to have alcohol!!)

With this notion in mind, I decided to have a small house party to ring in the New Year. Now a house party is not a good house party with out good entertainment. Usually for me, good entertainment is someone really really drunk (mostly me) doing really dumb things that seem like a good idea to the drunk person but usually ends up with that someone rolling on the ground in pain. I actually look forward to some drunken escapade that involves a pair of socks, a muffin pan and 3 traffic cones but alas, the people I invited were of the 'tamer' nature. (re: they don't enjoy drinking till you puke) I guess I was to be the entertainment....

Now to tell you the truth, I was kinda scared to be the only source of entertainment so I thought maybe people would enjoy other avenues of fun instead of watching me try to play the piano with my buttocks. I decided we should have karaoke! I was recently introduced to the 'magic mic', it's a microphone that plugs into the TV and it's it's own built-in karaoke machine with 3000 songs and all the lyrics and everything! (I swear, it's going to be remembered as the greatest invention in the 22nd century!) That magic mic is awesome, it has so many songs and you can sing your heart out. I used to despise karaoke but dang do I ever love it!

The surprising thing was that except for one friend (who is so homophobic that he thinks that singing to your favorite song will make you gay. Like I always say, the most homophobic guy is the actually the gayest) it was well recieved. Now traditionally with karaoke, one person picks a song, sings it, then passes on the mic to the next person. That's usually not a problem except for one of my pals.

He in some circles may be considered a musical genius, but to me he's an idiot. This guy knows every lyric to every song produced between 1983 and 2005. He's also a big 'larger' so his volume control isn't too good. (He has only one volume setting, what I like to call "open field". You know, when you are out in the country and you see a friend at the other end of a grass field and to talk to him you have to yell. That is how he talks all the time.) Now this is a deadly combination for karaoke. A guy who is super loud and knows every lyric to every song. Now unless this guy is Bono or Ray Charles, they should not have access to the mic. They should actually be in the backrow or better yet, in another room, but no. He has to hold onto the mic.

And he has to sing.

To every freaking song.

Badly.

*sigh*, for 5 hours he sang. He sang to Madonna's 'Like a Prayer', he sang to Aerosmith's 'Sweet Emotion', he even sang to ABBA's 'Dancing Queen'. Dang he wouldn't let go of that mic!

I proceed to drink more and more, hoping that a drunken stupor would drown out the world but at 3am I couldn't take it anymore. I ended up lying on the ground mumbling "Please make the bad man stop" over and over again. (Sentiments echoed by many of the karaoke participants.) But thankfully everyone decided to leave by then, plus they had run out of songs to sing....Thank god for simple pleasures.

Now that New Year's Eve has come and gone, I will still treasure that 'Magic Mic' but I will have to make sure it will be safe to bring it out. Please for your own sakes, don't let bad men sing badly, for the love of all that's pure and good in the world.


Friday, December 23, 2005

 

It's a christmas miracle.....

I heard this story from my friend about a year ago but it's of such porportions that is definitely a christmas miracle. (I may blur a few details here and there but this is as accurate as I can remember and it's all true!)

I live in a city where most of the people in my age bracket are in the high-tech industry. There is a lot of money to be made and spent living in this wonderful local. The little brother of a friend of mine happened to be employed in said industry and was making a pretty decent living. Things couldn't be happier, he was making good money, living the urban lifestyle, etc etc. Well one day he goes to work and everyone gots an early christmas present...

Congratulations, you all have been laid off! Here is a cheque for 6 months severance, have a merry christmas.

Now that has to suck, you wake up thinking things are going good, you get to work and in a split second you've been fired. Personally, I would be a bit pissed but hey I've got 6 months of money in one pocket, I'd take a couple months off, take it easy then find another job. Well, not little brother....(from now on he will be LB)

LB is royally pissed off, he's been busting his ass for months and months trying to get ahead in the company and now he has to start from the bottom again. LB is now on a vendetta. He turns to another co-worker that feels the same way and says "F**k it, let's party." So co-worker and LB proceed to the nearest restaurant and order drinks, round after round they consume, c'mon they have 6 months of wages so they can afford to enjoy themselves....or so they think.

They drink and drink and lo and behold it's evening. LB is getting drunk and just fuming (C'mon, you don't need a good time to have alcohol...). So LB and CW go to the club where they proceed to spend as much of their cheque as possible, they order the high priced booze, they're sending drinks to every hot girl they see, they are popping Ecstasy like it's going out of fashion.

If I was LB, I'd blow a grand or two and call it even, but no, LB is just getting more drunk and more angry. The bar is going to close so he turns to CW and says "F**k it, let's go to vegas". So they run outside, hop in a cab and go directly to the airport (I'm totally serious!!). They take the first available flight and 4 hours later they are in Vegas. (All the while vigorously drinking whatever they can get their hands on). They proceed to the Bellagio and head to the tables. (At this juncture, they've probably spent 1 to 2 months of their cheque, well 4 more months to go...) They start playing, and losing and playing and losing and playing and losing.....This continues for many an hour until they have only a months worth of wages left. (I can't imagine losing 3 months of wages at the tables, I'd probably suicide...) LB (high and drunk) turns to CW and says "F**k it, lets go to L.A. They go outside, score some Acid from a parking attendent and go to the bus station, where they take the first available bus to Los Angeles.

I must interrupt for a bit here, I just want you to note that LB and CW have been up for about 30 hours straight, drinking for about 24 hours and on drugs for about 18. I wish I was in my early twenties again....well back to my story....

LB and CW arrive in Los Angeles, it's around 10am, they are high as a kite, they have nothing except the clothes on their backs, their passports and cash in their pockets. They've never been to LA and have been dropped off downtown. I would be scared but being young, they soldier on....

They are wandering around aimlessly downtown, still high on Acid and X and they see a long lineup. Now not too many things have lineups that early in the morning so they go investigate. LB asks "Dude, what are you lining up for?" and the guy in line says "Its for the Price is Right show." Well, if you were in LB's shoes, what would you do? There is only one thing to do, you get right in line.

So LB and CW are now in line to be in the audience of the Price is Right, they have been up for like 36 hours and have no clue what has transpired in the last 36 hours but being in line seems like the right thing to do. Now if you have ever watched the Price is Right, you know the only people that get up on stage are the ones that wear matching shirts with slogans on them. So LB and CW find a guy selling T-shirts that say on the front "Canadians love Bob Barker" and on the back "Please spay and neuter your pets" (Bob Barker is a huge SPCA fan). Now wouldn't it would be obvious that LB and CW were meant to wear those shirts? You're damn right they are.

So LB and CW get in the show and it begins, the lights are flashing and people are cheering and they are tripping like Rick James. Now, so far I would think that they would have had the most amazing experience one could ever had......no it gets better.....LB gets called up to do the price wagering thing!

LB is screaming and hollering and jumping up and down and just going crazy, he runs up and the four peole do the thing where they try to guess the price of the Showcase Showdown. Everyone starts their guess and LB guesses one dollar. (Who knows what the hell he was thinking but.....) Well, LB gets the closest! He runs up on stage, not quite sure what's going on so he does the only thing that comes to mind so he starts hugging Bob Barker. Bob is kind enough to mention how much he likes LB's shirt and LB starts playing the games. He's tripping like crazy but he's winning all the games! LB even makes it right to the end where it's down to the last two contestents, and viola he ends up winning the showcase showdown.

I never ended up hearing what happened after but my buddy has the show on tape and you can totally tell that LB is messed beyond belief but hell, he's on the Price is Right! That has to be the most craziest experience that's happened to anyone in the last billion years, you start your day off fired and like 40 hours later you end up winning the Showcase Showdown on the Price is Right. (I can't even say that!)

Saturday, December 17, 2005

 

What the hell are you scared of?

My friend's wife lives in a different city, she only comes home on the weekends. (Thank god for that.) Well, she took a week off and stayed with the hubby. He went to work and set the alarm. She woke up a couple hours later and went downstairs, Well lo and behold the motion sensor sets the alarm off. She freaks out and runs upstairs and calls 911. The cops come and nothing! What a freaking idiot. If you come downstairs and the alarm goes off, wouldn't your first instinct be to look around? C'mon, you live in a 1000 sq foot townhouse, there isn't much area for a bad guy to hide. And if a bad guy did break in, wouldn't he run at the first sound of the alarm? Of if the bad guy did stay in the house, wouldn't going back to your room and hiding under the sheets be a bad idea? Stop wasting my tax dollars dummy. Even if a bad guy did come to get you, he'd barf when he saw your face.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

 

Go Go Lesbos Go!

In my particular domicle I (luckily) have my own entrance to the street. It's convenient and it doesn't feel like I'm living in a hotel. It's a nice complex, quiet neighbours and very few crazy kids. The strangest part of living there is that below me live a pair of lesbians. (many of you would be woohooing at this point, but I've seen them. They aren't two hot blonde coeds with hot bodies. They are asian, one looks like a regular asian girl, the other looks like 'Pat', you know Pat from SNL.....it's not an attractive thought. I can hear the woohoo's stopping at this point.)

Now, it's not that I don't like lesbians. In fact, lesbians are my favourite kind of people, and it's not that I don't like them living below us. They are very good neighbours and I've never had a problem with them. It's just that they have a particular trait that is funny but disturbing but funny, yet still disturbing.

Due to my particular employment schedule, I always come home quite late and usually the whole neighbourhood is asleep at that time....except my downstairs lesbians. Now, imagine if you will, you had a significant other and it was late at night, what would you do? If you were any hot-blooded human, you'd probably be feeling a little frisky. Now, it is my experience that lesbians are human and hot-blooded. They are also know to be frisky.....Well my lesbian downstairs neighbour are exceptionally frisky. Yup, they enjoy banging each other. (Excuse me, they are making love. haha) Now, this would be funny except, remember, one looks like 'Pat'. Ugh. But then they always, always leave the window open (shades down) so just as I'm walking up to my stairs, I can fully experience the audio soundtrack that you would normally hear from dirty movies. (It always brings a smile to my face, until I remember about 'Pat'). And this isn't on the rare occasion, this happens at least twice or three times a week. The weirdest part is that they normally have the window closed before the dirty deed, and they close it right after. It's quite funny, I'm strolling down the street, headed for home and sweet sweet beer and then I'll notice the 'pleasure noises' emanating from below my stairs. I wonder if they are doing it just for me? Are they trying to bring a ray of sunshine to the end of my day? I dunno, but it's pretty freaking funny if you ask me.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

 

Another bites the dust...

Well another of my pals got engaged this last saturday. I haven't been able to eke out the details of the proposal so I cannot comment wheter it was cool or not and in a strange turn of fate I can't even begin to guess if was or cool or not. This pal is another typical idiot (Mr. Super Macho-type) but he does have a surprisingly romantic/sensitive side he only shows to girls. (Well girls that he is interested in or hopes to score with.) Thus I will continue to sit on the fence....stay tuned for details.

(hopefully it's not cool so I will have more material to write about. haha)

I tried to glance at the engagement ring of the newly fianceed girl but I couldn't look directly at it due to the intense reflection of light coming from the diamond. Or was it a cubic zirconium? It looked kinda big, but I think large engagement rings are frivolous and pretentious anyways. I will continue....

I guess cause I'm knocking on the door of being 30, it's about the time that each and everyone of my friends is suddenly in "I'm ready to be married" mode. Thus, I have been throughly educated in the said "Engagement Ring". Did you know that the current most popular style is the "princess cut"? The cost of the diamond should be in the neighbourhood is around 6 months wage (before taxes)? blah blah blah. It's all crap to me.

I hate how people believe there are certain rules or etiquette when it comes to engagement rings. The ring should not be about how big it is or how much it's worth (though if the girl wants something like that, better make sure you really love her...).

I think the ring should be a reflection of the personality and tastes of the female. An engagement ring should be custom designed, not picked from one of the display cases and you don't need to spend a lot of money on the ring to make a good impression. My cousin for instance, His fiancee loves daisies

(okay, she loves a different kind of flower but I can't remember what they were called but it looks like a daisy so I'll call it daisies.)

So he got the ring maker to make the ring with the petals of a daisy and the diamond set inside the middle of the petals. It's was pretty cool looking and impressed the heck out of the girl. (the petals were protruding a bit but it was so cool). It looked kinda like this but silver and the petals were way smaller and it's way better...
















Why blow 20 or 30 grand on something that doesn't have much use, when a custom ring could cost you like 1, 2 or 3 thousand then you could spend the rest on a super-duper-kickass honeymoon or a down payment on a house? I dunno, I just don't get it. I don't need friends that need to be impressed with grandious displays of wealth (due to my not having said 'wealth'). I'd rather have friends that don't care about how much or little that I make.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

 

Cheapness is not a trait to show off....

Surprise, surprise, two posts in one day. Hopefully my suffering makes someone else's life better.....

I think being generous is one of the best things a person can be. What's a few bucks between friends? Who cares who bought the last round? So what if I treated to dinner or you paid for my admission. The reason people do these things are cause we're friends and I enjoy doing things with you. It's only money, we can always make more.....but then there are my cheap ass friends. It's not all of them, just a couple but damn they are cheap.

One in particular makes me furious. She's in management for a government agency, so she's not exactly hurting for money. (She's freaking rolling in it.) She still lives at home, doesn't pay for anything in day to day expenses (no cell phone bill, no car insurance, no mortgage payments, no electricity bill, no frickin nuthin. She doesn't even pay for the gas she uses in her car.) This girl is so cheap that when she goes out with her sister or our friends and splits the bill, she'll be like "Oh, you owe me 12 cents or I owe another $1.22." Her bank account is probably twice as big as my debt (and I sure know how to make debt...) but when she goes on vacation, she doesn't take money out of the bank, she asks her dad to give her american money. (It's not like they are a rich family also, they are middle income living in an average neighbourhood.) She doesn't do anything for fun cause she doesn't want to "waste" money. AAAHHHHH!!!

I can't fookin stand it. I've had a steady job since I was 13, I've always paid for everything I have. (car insurance/payments, university tuition, boozin...) It's not like my parents didn't want to help me, but it's not like our family had alot of money hidden under the mattress.

I think what kills me the most is she spends all her time at home complaining how expense everything is. I'd rather be in debt and have lots of fun (re: life experience) then rich and a hermit. I admit I'm a bit of a spender but what's the point of having a bank full of $$$ when you're life is as boring as reading a tax form. I think I'm going to go to the bar and buy everyone a round....at least I'll have a story to tell on monday....

People like stories, I encourage you to make some more of your own.....

 

Single people are idiots.

I have several single friends, single friends who are nearing their thirties and never been in a relationship. Not that is anything special, hell everyone has been single at one time or another. But these single friends drive me bonkers cause they should be in the prime of their dating lives but are still stuck in grade 6.

People get into relationships for many reasons, companionship, love, sex, boredom, greed... you name it, people have done it. (Though the people I can't stand are the ones that go from one relationship to another, without any break time inbetween. I know this one girl who hasn't had a boyfriend since early high school but no relationship has lasted longer than 14 months. She just goes from one guy to another, sometimes with some guys just cause there is no one else hanging around. She's a typical idiot.)

I think if a person is properly motivated, anyone has a fair chance to find someone they can fall in love with. It doesn't matter if you live in the tundra in the middle of Alaska or you look like a spider monkey. If you really want, ANYONE can find someone to be with. You just have to know how to sell yourself, you have to present all the good qualities up front and hide the bad stuff for later. (You can unveil your hidden foot powder addiction to the 5th date)

But these single friends I have....AAAHAHHA. I just want to beat them over the noggin with a very heavy blunt object. I would be in jail but I think I would be less frustrated. It's not that they want to be single, it's just that their actions put them in a situation where they are forced to be single. They aren't extremely ugly or have horrible personalities, it's just that they are a) too clueless b) too scared c) too set in their ways or d) just an idiot.

I will try to sum up these 3 friends as honestly as I can. (without my regular prejuidices....)

Single Friend #1

Female, Likes to read Archie's comics. (Actually the only books she reads are Archie's comics though they haven't drawn a new comic since 1986, they just recycle the old comics with a new cover so you spend another $3.99) Actually is in love with another friend who is already married and has a kid. So instead, looking for the exact copy of that guy but in the same race as she is. If you deviate one iota, do not apply. (Therefore you must be rich, handsome, athletic, rich, quiet, and rich). Oh, she doesn't go out and won't talk to strange boys, or drinks, or smokes. Good lord, are you like 12?

Single Friend #2

Male. Learned everything he knows about girls from "Saved by the Bell", "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and other top TV shows of the late 80's and 90's. Is extremely nice but goes overboard when it comes to girls. Example, had a class with an attractive girl. Never talked to her all year, she has no clue who he is. Valentine's day comes around and he presents her with a dozen roses at the beginning of the class. Asks "Will you go out with me?" (as in will you be my girlfriend.) Girl thinks he is a stalker. Dude, you are not Zack Morris or Will Smith. Learn to talk to a girl first!

Single Friend #3

Male. Nice dresser, very well groomed, very metro. Many girls think he is gay. Totally over reads everything. Example, girl walks past him at work. She says hi. He spends the next 72 sleepless hours wondering "What did she mean by hi?" "Does she like me?" "I wonder if she wants to go out with me?" "Did I scare her off?". Buddy, sometimes when a girl smiles at you or talks to you, she's just being nice. She doesn't want to jump your bones. Get a freaking life.


I'm not trying to say that every person needs to be in a relationship, but I think many people would agree they have at one time or another enjoyed in being in a relationship. I want to help them but they just continue to sabotage themselves!!! AAAHhh. It's not that they have to change who they are, but I would really like to suggest that they hide their quirks a bit so they can at least experience some kind of a boyfriend/girlfriend situation. Like I always like to say "You have to date garbage before you know what's gold".

Sunday, November 27, 2005

 

Don't be a fool, please propose cool...

I had one of the best 'friend experiences' on friday. One of my rare non-idiot friends threw a surprise party for his girlfriend. We went to a lounge in downtown, about 30-40 people where there. I got there about 15 minutes before the birthday girl and when she arrived she was actually surprised! She thought she was going to her b/f's work event but nope, surprise! We were all having fun, having a few drinks and then the music got turned off and the b/f started making a speech. He thanked everyone for coming and how we were so special, blah blah, (and I whispered to my gal "Hey I think he's gonna propose!" but I got wacked for my trouble.) Then he turns to the girl and says "I especially want to thank J**e, I love you, will you marry me?" Or something like that, it was all a blur, everyone started screaming and it was awesome. Now, that this isn't style of proposing isn't for everyone, but both of them are very social so it was so cool and everyone was so happy. Now that is a cool friend, he knew what she wanted and how to make it special. (there were posters of "Jane, will you marry me?" and pictures and balloons, it was extremely well thought out). I don't think anyone is going to forget that proposal......But then again, this blog is about my idiot friends so here goes....

Proposing is very important. It's kinda like the engagement ring, the guy should put a lot of thought into it. You have to know your girl inside and out, don't do something you saw on tv or read it in a book, you have to personalize it. Well, my idiot friends are well, idiots. I have probably the 3 worst proposal stories ever. How sad.....

Story #1 - Oh btw....

My idiot pal and his girlfriend went on a trip to Asia for 2 weeks. They've been seeing each other for about 10 years, so we all figured that the question was gonna be soon. (I even had money that they would come back engaged.) Well they come back and nothing. My group of friends were all surprised but whatever. So on the first night back, buddy sleeps over at the g/f's house. They're getting ready for bed and he's kinda fidgity. She leaves the room to brush her teeth, comes back and he says "Oh I have something for you". Viola, there's the ring. Big freakin whoop. So freaking romantic. You propose in your pj's after she brushes? You are lame! C'mon, you've just spent 2 weeks all over asia, exploring all the beautiful sights and having all these memories and the best you can do is wait till you're 'safe' at home and ready to go to bed. I hate you. Die loser!

Story #2 - Life is a box of chocolates...

Another idiot pal is clueless. I mean clueless, but that's okay cause his current wife has no personality so they match. (When I mean no personality I mean a sack of potates is more entertaining to be with. Damn, she's not even good looking. Way to go buddy, you've married a boring, ugly lump of dullness. Woohoo! Score! Whatever, she's not my wife, but back to the story) Okay, buddy wants to be romantic so he buys a basket of chocolates and hides the ring box at the bottom. She comes over for the weekend and he gives her the chocolates and says "Dig in!". Well, she doesn't like chocolates. (Should've thought this out a little more throughly eh?) So, he makes her eat a few, which she does but is wondering to herself "Why is he making me eat something I don't really like? Is he going to propose?" Way to ruin the surpise genius! He finally has to push around the chocolates to get at the ring. Boy, That's a story I want to tell the grandkids....

Story #3 - Why even bother getting married?

Buddy & Girl having been dating for a little over a year. Girl is dropping hints left, right and centre but he's not biting. She finally puts an ultimatium, he has 6 months to ask, she gives him 4 specific days to ask (certain holidays and her birthday), so he has do it or get dumped. So finally on one of the days he takes her out to dinner. I think it's a greek restaurant. (Whoa, don't go too fancy there romeo!). Well after dinner he slides over the ring box across the table, "Will you marry me?" (Christ, if you're going to do it, at least get down on one knee or something else cliche.) She's all happy and goes to put on the ring. Whoops, it's 3 ring sizes too big. C'mon, this guy has given me so much material to work with that I'm getting a keyboard cramp. Okay, when you're going to surprise a girl, getting the ring size correct is hard but damn buddy, your girl wears jewellery. She leaves the rings by the bathroom sink. Even I know that! How hard is it to take one of those rings to your ringmaker and say "Copy this size!" You are so stupid I want to barf.

Barf barf!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

 

Are you gay?

This is the funniest friend experience I've had in a long time.

My idiot pal "C" is a very nice guy, though a bit naive. He kinda lets girls walk all over him but he's pretty cool in general. "C" is dating a girl called "Goldfish Eyes".(haha the name speaks for itself.) Well "C" doesn't really want to date "G.E." anymore, he wants to date another girl, Irene. Now "C" being the nice guy he is, doesn't want to hurt "G.E."'s feelings. Heck "C" and "GE" aren't even that serious, they are only together to bang each other, but "C" is trying to be a nice guy.

So "C" tries to tell "GE" that they shouldn't see each other anymore. (At this time, "C" is kinda seeing Irene anyways.) "GE" is cool about it but wants to see him one last time. "GE" goes to "C"'s house and one thing leads to another and she's going down on him. (Lucky guy)

Now this would be fine for "C" but he has to pick Irene up at the airport at approximately the same time he's getting his 'Happy Ending'. (Also remember, he's not wearing any pants) Oh, whoops.

Well, "C" kinda pulls away and tells "GE" - "We shouldn't do this anymore!"

Her response was (and get this)

"Why, are you Gay?"

hahahahahahahahhaahahaha!!!!!!!! (When I first heard this, I laughed so hard that my mom gave me a funny look)

Now any self-respecting guy would respond immediately with "Hell No". Instead "C" responds with: "I'm not comfortable talking about it."

hahahhahahahhahaahhaaha!!! (Now my mom is making me go outside cause I'm lauging so hard) Wait, this gets better....

Her response to that was "Are you Bi?"

hahahhahahahhahaahhaaha!!! (I'm at the point that I'm in the alley laughing so hard I have to lean on a fence) You think that's good, read on.

His final answer is "Yes"!

(At this point I have gone beyond laughing and now am hyperventilating)

I had heard this story over the phone about 2 months ago. As of today, "C" is no longer going out with Irene and is back with "GE". I guess you have to date a girl that is okay with you being Bi.
(And I swear, every lick of this is true.)

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

 

Taxidermy is not cool. Unless you're a vegetarian.

The list of idiocy continues...

I have a vegetarian friend, unfortunately she's from Calgary, cow capital of Canada. It would kinda suck growing up "veg" when you're surrounded by places that serve 60oz steaks. Haha, too bad sucker, meat sure tastes good!

Well my vegetarian friend collects taxidermy. Now correct me if I'm wrong but isn't taxidermy stuffed dead things? Usually involving dead animals though fish have been known to be taxidermed. (I know taxidermed is not a word but it sounds cool.) Now usually vegetarians are vegetarians cause they don't like stuff being killed so they can eat it. They probably don't like stuff being killed in general. But if you're really a vegetarian, why do you have a stuffed owl in your apartment? Doesn't it go against vegetarianism in general? Plus a dead owl is kinda creepy, kinda like collecting clown masks.

Monday, November 21, 2005

 

I'm a little teapot....

I'm brimming with idiocy today.... Okay, I acknowledge that everyone has their own quirks but some quirks just don't make sense. No matter how hard you argue, the older we get, the more we like the way we do things, sure, but why is it that most of my friends are getting older way-way faster than me? Case in point:

Enjoy the good stuff first.

I have a friend that cannot enjoy food like a normal person. When a normal person goes to order food at a restaurant, you would normally order one, two, maybe 3 dishes. These dishes are usually something you would enjoy to eat, that's why you ordered them in the first place. Maybe one of these dishes is your favourite, or you just prefer them over the other, whatever right? Well my friend will go to the restaurant, order one dish that she will name her "favourite", then order something else this is just okay, or something she'd rather not eat but is filling.

Nothing to far wrong? Wait, I'll continue.

Now this is the part that makes my friend an 'idiot'. My crazy friend will eat the boring/filling/cheaper item first. Maybe it just me, but if you're at a restaurant you would be in the situation of being hungry (In the state of hunger, Experiencing a desire or need for food.) Now if you're hungry and you have 2 dishes in front of you, something that is okay and something that is your 'favourite'. What would you do? Obviously the favourite dish is the first to go. Can't you imagine how good your favourite dish would taste when you were hungry? I sure can. But no, my crazy friend will eat the boring/filling/cheaper item first and will finish the entire dish so she can 'save' the best for last.

You might ask me, Hey Head_Idiot, that's a common phrase you dumbass, many people will "save the best for last". There's even a freakin song with that title. Okay I admit, yes saving the best for last is a common occurance but not when it comes to food! Always eat the good stuff first! Why fill yourself up with crap and force yourself to 'enjoy' your favourite dish. Why not enjoy all the good stuff first so if you get full, you don't have the waste the good stuff 'cause it's already gone. Wrap up the rice pilaf! Throw away that garden salad! Chuck the free sourdough roll that comes in a basket with a cloth napkin over it. Ladies and Gents, that's just filler! That's the stuff to even out the meal cause you cannot eat 24 piece of Uni Sashimi and be full. That stuff costs like 4 cents. Heck, I will paypal you 4 cents next time you eat a meal and you eat the good stuff first. Prove me wrong that that first bite of good stuff doesn't taste fantastic! (If sourdough rolls, rice pilaf or garden salad is your favorite, do not order a main dish! Just eat rolls till you burst, you'll be happier and richer in the end.)
Enough ranting for today. I'm hungry.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

 

My first post.

I've finally realised that all my friends are idiots. Not that it's a bad thing I guess. I'm probably the worst of them all, but they are still pretty damn funny or at least funny looking.

Example #1 - If you're getting married, don't be an idiot.

I was the best man in a wedding this summer. Usually this is an honour and should be relished, cherished or something "ished". Well, instead, it proved my point of how idiocy seems to run rampant in my life. (But then again I probably deserve it.)

My friend, let's call him Doofus, well we've known each other for about 9 or 10 years. Nice guy, has stable job, a decent vehicle, you know all the things that would point in the direction that he kinda knows what he's doing. Nope, he's a full fledge idiot.This is how I found out how I was the best man.

(we're drinking beer in his living room)

Me: "How was your weekend?" - sip my beer
Doofus: "Not bad, did wedding stuff." - sips his beer
Me: "uh-huh" - sip some more
Doofus: "Yeah, J***y and I picked out the groomsmen's tux's." - sips beer again
Me: "uh-huh" - sip more beer "Who's your best man?"
Doofus: "I guess it's you." - sips beer
Me: ".............uh, thanks, I'm honoured?"
Doofus: - silence, drinks his beer
Me: - ".........."

At this point of the conversation I'm left drinking my beer and staring at the tv wondering? Did he just ask me to be his best man or was he kidding? Maybe it's just me, but your best man is someone you really care about and it usually a big deal when you ask someone to be your best man. It's not something you kind of throw out there and leave the guy wondering. I didn't get final confirmation until 4 months later....

Example #2 This is how his 1st groomsmen found out how he was a groomsmen.

Doofus: *ring ring*Groomsmen: "Hello?"
Doofus: "Hey dude, don't forget to go to your tux fitting tomorrow."
Groomsmen: "Huh, what tux?"
Doofus: "Your groomsmen tux!"
Groomsmen: "Huh? I'm a groomsmen?"
Doofus: "Oh, did I forget to ask you?" Is it just me?
Maybe I'm not giving him enough slack. Maybe he's the kind of guy that is a bit informal about these things. Nope, he's an idiot. Let me continue with examples.

Example #3 - Wedding day miracles

It's wedding day, we've just finished the ceremony at the church. (45 mins of standing in front of the altar in a non-AC church in the middle of summer. Dang it, if the guests can sit, why can't the groomsmen? Oh, I don't want to be a bother, but would it be too much trouble if the mother of the bride smile? No? Okay, just frown then. Hey father of the bride, spit out your gum during the ceremony please. ). We walk down the aisle out in the fresh air where a limo is waiting in front for us. The Groom and Bride get into the limo. All is swell. All the bridesmaids get into the limo. Life continues to be swell. Bride's mom and dad get into the limo. Uh, everything is okay, you know we'll squish a little but that's okay. Bride's mom's 3 friends get into the limo. Limo door closes. Uh, what?

I'm standing outside of the limo with the 2 other groomsmen looking at each other. None of us drove down to the church. I'm in an unfamiliar city and we're going to a unknown location to take photographs then to the recepetion that's an hour away. Being the bestman I take charge. I open the door and ask the groom.

Me: "Hey, nice wedding! Uh, how are we going to get to the unknown location to take photographs then travel for an hour to the reception without a vehicle?"
Doofus: "I don't know."
Me: "....." I close the limo door.

Many of you reading this might say "You're the best man, weren't you in charge of this?"My answer would be yes but I was specifically told: #1 Don't drive to the church. #2 Everything is taken care of. #3 No, being the best man, you do not have any duties to prepare for. There is much more to this story but I think I have to lie down.

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